Reframing Failure to Fearlessness
When you hear the word failure, what comes to mind? Are you having flashbacks to the time you failed a math class in high school? Or maybe a time you tried to start a business idea and it didn’t work out? On a further note, what about an idea you have, but you are too scared to implement it because you are worried that it won’t work out, or that it’s actually not a good idea to begin with? Is that considered failure, as well? Failing because you were not able to bring yourself to start?
So, what is my point here? Am I just going to go on and on about what failure could mean to you? The answer is no—I wanted to write this post to actually reframe how we think about failure, and strive to reframe it to fearlessness.
My name is Hannah Leib, and I am a licensed clinical social worker. I provide psychotherapy to children, teens, young adults, and families. I specialize in anxiety disorders, OCD, self-esteem issues, and divorce. When I am working with a child or teen client, it is imperative for me to involve one or both parents in the treatment process in order to work from a dynamic and strength-based approach. One of the most common themes I have seen most recently in my private practice is that the children/teens I work with have heightened anxiety in all parts of their lives—from social settings and school to homework or performing in a play, etc. Of course, anxiety is inherently normal, and occasional anxiety is an expected part of life. It becomes a disorder when it interferes with everyday life and functioning (National Institute of Mental Health).
From my work as a clinician for five years, I feel that anxiety about being a “failure” or a “loser” is keeping people stuck—either by avoiding what makes them anxious, or the fear of making a mistake. Avoidance is known to be a maladaptive behavioral response to anxiety stimuli. The more an individual avoids what is making them feel anxious, the more anxiety-provoking the specific stimuli becomes to them (Hofmann & Hay, 2018). I want to reframe failure to fearlessness.
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In the incredibly well-renowned book Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, she writes about the messaging that our society emulates about boosting children’s self-esteem. She says that the messaging is, “Protect them from failure!” (Dweck, 2016). Children as young as toddlers can absorb messages from their parents—and learn that their mistakes are “worthy of judgment and punishment” or “an occasion for suggesting and teaching” (Dweck, 2016). How do you talk to your child about making mistakes? If they get a bad score on a test, are you punishing them and shaming them? Or are you creating an opportunity for them to think about the ways they can learn and grow from the experience? Dr. Becky Kennedy, who is a parenting expert and author, shared in her book Good Inside, that “the way parents interact with their kids in their early years forms the blueprint they take with them into the world” (Kennedy 2022).
Children learn what feels acceptable and manageable for their parents to handle, and also what interactions are shameful or overwhelming (Kennedy, 2022). Dweck also talks about two types of mindsets that humans live by, both the fixed mindset and the growth mindset (Dweck, 2016). Per Dweck’s research, individuals with a fixed mindset tend to identify success with their performance, and have an aversion and fear of failure (for example, bad grades or making a mistake) (Dweck, 2016). On the other hand, individuals with a growth mindset associate mistakes and failures with the idea that they can improve and view mistakes more positively (Dweck, 2016).
Research has shown that praise and validation from parents “molds their children’s mindsets” (Dweck, 2016). Parents should try to focus not just on praising an outcome—such as a test score or accomplishment—but also think about the process that it took them to get there (Dweck, 2016). If a child has a setback or makes a mistake, and the parents respond in an anxious manner or with concern about the child’s ability to thrive, the child will absorb this and internalize it (Dweck, 2016). Although, if a parent can respond to their child’s setbacks with interest, curiosity, and openness, a child will be equipped to adopt a growth mindset (Dweck, 2006).
Research has shown that when parents, teachers, and coaches care deeply about the child’s understanding of something and express belief in their ability to achieve it, children are more likely to believe in their capabilities (Dweck, 2016). What parts of your child are you validating and encouraging, and what part are you shutting down? The early relationships and interactions with caregivers in childhood form what parts your child feels ashamed of, and what parts they choose to express (Kennedy, 2022). If they feel that they cannot make a mistake or fail, without being punished or shamed, they may adopt this mindset and carry it with them (Kennedy, 2022).
Fearless literally means less fear. My goal in this post was to highlight the importance of reframing failure to fearlessness. Confidence is the ability to trust in oneself (Kennedy, 2023). I want kids to turn into adults who believe in themselves to try new things, be comfortable with being wrong, and be able to learn from it. Instead of internalizing mistakes as a failure, I would hope that this can be perceived as fearlessness and being able to face the feeling of making mistakes and learning from them.
References
Hofmann, S. G., & Hay, A. C. (2018). Rethinking avoidance: Toward a balanced approach to avoidance in treating anxiety disorders. Journal of anxiety disorders, 55, 14-21.
Kennedy, R. (2022a). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Anxiety disorders. National Institute of Mental Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders#:~:text=Occasi….